Definitely indefinite

As I mentioned before my job essentially finishes in a few weeks, which is to say, Mary Oliver Manifesto in hand, I quit, counting on the truth that you sometimes have to weed before new things can grow. I'm now deciding whether to look for more work in education or to pursue my theological study with more vim and vigour, as well as figuring out where my rent money will now be coming from. This quote by Maya Angelou keeps coming into my head (and this is just one among many excellent Maya Angelou quotes):

You can only become truly accomplished at something you love. Don’t make money your goal. Instead pursue the things you love doing and then do them so well that people can’t take their eyes off of you.

~ Maya Angelou

And really it's that kind of decision: stability, career, status over heart, plain and simple. (The 'starving artist' life as my friend called it today.) I've been saying 'I think that actually I do know what I want to do, I just feel like I can't access it'. The more I say this, the more ridiculous it sounds. It's true that I can talk myself in and out of pretty much anything, but that's a different process from listening deep, from sidestepping the thinking to daring to take my hopes and wishes out of the safety of my own mind and speak them out loud, coating them in a transparent, thin skin and staying close by so they don't get trodden on by Oughts and Whatifs while they materialize in the bright light of day.

The important thing I'm learning is not so much which decision to make as how I make decisions. I've realized that I worry a lot about making The Right Decision but really I am quite capable of making A Right Decision. I am responsible for hoisting a sail, I'm not responsible for providing the wind. Even with all the right books and a clear head, it's still just a roll of the dice, the whim of the currents, and I have to trust that whatever I decide, and whatever the world throws at me, I will love and be loved, and the rest is just the waves.