Guilt-free

I have the 'flu (probably). I'm poorly. Yesterday I did almost nothing but lounge about on the sofa. One silver lining when one is ill is that one can legitimately put one's life on hold. Take a break. Thinking about how I had to 'legitimize' taking a break I realize how much the concepts of reward and punishment are so deeply entrenched in my psyche. Now is not the time for Deep Thoughts, though, my brain is too befuddled.
I did manage to watch one hour of the dvd lectures for my restorative justice class and I've realized I'm most interested in the philosophical/spiritual/psychological/theoretical side rather than the 'Let's immediately go and visit prisons. Immediately!' side. I'm coming to terms with my more thinking, less activism nature and trying to see it as legitimate, which is fairly new for me. I am more inclined these days to try to figure out and stick to what I'm good at rather than pretend I'm going to be Mother Teresa when I 'grow up'. Maybe, after several readings of Let Your Life Speak by Parker Palmer his illustration from Jewish tradition is finally starting to sink in:

Rabbi Zusya, when he was an old man, said, "In the coming world, they will not ask me: 'Why were you not Moses?' They will ask me: 'Why were you not Zusya?'"

I think it's a good route and is part of accepting yourself, flaws and gifts together. I had a gracious email today from a student I've never met from Ireland thanking me for writing my textbook with its 'funny stick-men drawings', so that pretty much made my day (stuck as I was under a blanket watching the 50s classic The Day The Earth Stood Still 'Choose peace or we will destroy your planet'...how's that for punishment logic?). I enjoyed the process of drawing many threads together and explaining them as clearly as I could in that book project, and I wonder if I could do a similar thing for the areas I've been thinking about lately. Perhaps. Add it to the mix. 

We can measure ourselves by acknowledging the existence of a path that we must take to remain consistent with ourselves.

Vine Deloria Jr., foreword to The Mystic Heart of Justice

And now, the rest of yesterday's Chinese takeout that I crawled out to buy. The only decision is whether to eat it cold or try to reheat it (no microwave). It's good to keep a balance of epicness and minutiae in one's daily decisions. It's healthy (unlike me).