Pushback

I was away last week. Even though I had mad amounts of studying and working to do, I bunked off and went to stay with some friends in the country away from it all, just until my mum had her last operation (which went well; she is also now infection free after 2 months, and out of ICU on the neuro ward). I had to go away and stay with the company of other people; it was essential. I read, painted, helped plant their veg garden, walked in the woods while clapping to scare away bears, ate good food I didn't cook, and generally recuperated. I've been completely fierce about self care the past few weeks. The day I went away I also had an hour-long deep tissue massage which got a lot of the emotional stress out of me.
My word lately is pushback. I tend to soak in other people's stresses and symptoms, and it dawned on me that if that was so, it seemed logical that that could work in the other direction. While it was ok to be empathetic, I didn't have to be at the mercy of either other people's transferred stress, to fight other people's battles, or to bow to my own fear, hopelessness, etc.
I could push back.
So I've been doing that. Each time I feel overwhelmed or stressed or fearful or whatever the case may be, I put a hand up, breathe and push back. (I also recommend EFT tapping. It's freakin weird magic.) It's not that a person should repress or deny feelings, it's just taking control of one's mindset and then going beyond that to try to push back peace and love into the world. Yes, like a hippy. Whatevs. I've been reading Mark Nepo's book Seven Thousand Ways to Listen. I like it because, as a generic spiritual book, it's a spacious conversation and I can plug in my own belief system and see it in a new way. The idea of pushing back is too hard if we think of it as coming from ourselves, but Nepo points out that really we are conduits for a deeper, greater Love, and then it's more a question of being open to both receiving and letting go, freely receiving and freely giving, if you will. I also find that saying fuck a lot helps too.

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
For I will yet praise him, (dammit)
my Saviour and my God.
~ Psalm 43:5 (emphasis added)

We are put here for a little space

that we may learn how to bear

the beams of love.

~ William Blake

[Prayer is] breathing in and breathing out the one breath of the Universe.
~ Hildegard of Bingen

image by me