Whatever next

But it isn't easy,' said Pooh. 'Because Poetry and Hums aren't things which you get, they're things which get you. And all you can do is to go where they can find you.

~ A.A. Milne The House at Pooh Corner 

I have two weeks until the end of term (plus a couple of exams). I nailed the commute today, one hour each way, which made me happy. It's not so bad then, and once I'm at college, I could stay there forever. I have realized, among many other things, that I function best when occupied. I come from a long line of worriers and I worry about studying - whether I can do it, why I'm doing it, etc - until I pick up a book or start typing and just do it. Then I'm about as peaceful as I can be. And yet I have to remind myself of this daily. I have applied to do a Masters degree, up from the Diploma I'm doing now, and I've applied for a scholarship for the first year. I await the verdict. A year or so ago I realized I had put down roots here in Canada, and I couldn't just up and leave, like I have done in the past. I felt as mixed about that as I do about loving my studies, investing in what I'm learning, and realizing I will in fact be pretty bummed if they don't accept me. Once you have a Thing, you have a Thing to lose.
As I flap about and try to (re-)discover my vocation I keep coming back to the Maya Angelou quote I've posted before:

 

You can only become truly accomplished at something you love. Don’t make money your goal. Instead pursue the things you love doing and then do them so well that people can’t take their eyes off of you.

~ Maya Angelou

I had little faith that there was anything I loved to do, anything I'd be willing to get up at five a.m. for, anything I would want to persevere at without knowing if I'd get it in the end or be any good at it. It's rather a surprise, a sort of homecoming. All in all, I appear to be getting entangled in a particular sort of life, which gives me mixed feelings sometimes, or maybe I'm just landing on the planet for the first time. Hello world.