1. Do not write blog when hormonal.
2. Do not write blog when tired.
3. Do not write blog when caffeine-depleted.
Right, now that's out of the way...
I've never been very good at being patient. I'm sure there are a variety of deep psychological reasons for that. We'll just call it impatience. And this is one of many complex, very real, and poorly understood psychological reasons why I've been thinking about having a child on my own. I've been thinking in a vague wafty way since I turned 35, and in a deeper, destined kind of a way since a few months ago. I like to poke ideas a bit and shake them to see if they have substance, which is what I've been doing (and which I do realise one must not do with an actual child - my other active metaphor involves chipping bits off ideas, which will also remain metaphorical).
I've been reading a wonderful memoir called Choosing You by Alexandra Soiseth (part of the poking and shaking). She talks about almost every issue that has entered my head, both positive and negative, and she knows what she's talking about, so it's comforting to read. I've also bounced the idea off other people (again, something I realise one must not do with an actual child). Everyone except my parents has been positive: pastor, friends, everyone. Granted I was a bit choosy about how I told, and I'm only saying I'm realising it's an option, not that I'm off to Walmart to buy a turkey-baster (which, by the way, isn't how I'd do it, one of many Top Tips from Alexandra). But of the things that would worry me, having a supportive community is not one of those things.
It is still very much in the thinking stage, and I'm not sure exactly how it would fit in with the whole living-in-a-100-sq-ft-trailer idea, which I had thought would be Grand Idea #1, although I do know that I would only do it if I was living in community, and living in my gypsy caravan is the only way I'd live in community, so...
What did strike me forcefully and anew, though, as I clicked on this blog to write the post, is the Arundhati Roy quote off to the side.
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1 comment:
I wish I knew what to say. I want to have kids and I don't want to have kids. I want this life I now have and I want an entirely different life that would have had me married about 6 years ago and working on baby number 2 right now.
What I don't think I want is a baby so badly that I would be doing it alone. But then there are days when I think I'd be just fine and maybe even fantastic. Sigh.
It is in times like this that I wish you were across town rather than across the continent.
I wish you well, in this struggle. Though I suspect that even when you do uncover YOUR answer it will still not be able to really answer anything for me.
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